Conflict resolution: what to do when you’re triggered
Emotional triggers can derail or block a conversation but when you recognise them, they can transform it. Here’s how to notice and work with your triggers
Sudden and searing, emotional triggers can take you by surprise like lemon juice in a small cut.
Triggers are caused by wounds you sustain throughout your life, often in early life but also in times of significant trauma.
Usually your responses are governed by the neo-cortex (reasoning) part of the brain but when you’re triggered, the amygdala, responsible for keeping you safe in physically life-threatening situations, takes over.
An emotional trigger puts you immediately in a state of fight-or flight.
You become less creative, empathic, thoughtful and reasonable and often respond in ways you later regret.
A trigger is like a small cut on your finger and the conversation like lemon juice. You can have a cut on your finger and completely forget about it, chatting and making lunch, but if a drop of lemon juice gets in the cut the pain is sudden, sharp and searing. It takes you by surprise and your immediate response, whether a wince, ‘ouch’ or stoic suppression of any expression of pain, is usually out of your control.
You often can’t control the pain level of the cut (the emotional trigger), when it occurs, or your instant response. But you can affect what happens next. In time and with help you can eventually, heal the cut or learn to breathe with the pain. In the same way you can learn to be careful when handling lemons, you can learn to handle your triggers.
On the flip side, if you don’t learn how to recognise your triggers, they can repeatedly derail your conversations, as you erupt in fury, sudden tears or gnawing envy. Looking back you may not know how things went so wrong so quickly or why the person you were talking to became so unreasonable so fast.
The cut (the trigger) was there all along, the lemon didn’t cause it or intend to hurt you – but it still stung.
Once you learn to notice when you’re triggered, and become familiar with what triggers you, you can work with it.
How do you know when you’re triggered?
What triggers you is often personal but when happens when you are triggered frequently looks something like this:
The sudden desire to lash out, leave the room, or immediately shut the conversation / other person down
You can’t think straight – even though you were just a few moments ago
You find yourself unable to think clearly and calmly about the situation
Sweaty palms
Racing heart
Hot face
Constricted throat
Tight stomach
Nausea or stomach ache
A powerful flashing up of anger, sadness, grief, envy or shame
You notice a response like this almost every time a particular topic is brought up
What can you do about it?
Noticing is significant. You can’t manage a trigger response if you don’t know that you’re triggered. Back to the lemons: you could wash out the cut, take deep breaths through the pain, wear gloves next time, ask someone else to cut them or decide that one lemon is enough and you don’t need two this time.
You also have a variety of options once you notice that you’re triggered. Here are some ideas:
Pause the conversation. You could say, “sorry, I’m feeling quite triggered by this and I need to take a break,”. Or something simpler: “just give me a minute”.
Leave the room. Again, you could be open about why you want to leave or more discreet. You could excuse yourself to the toilet, to get a glass of water, or have ‘just remembered something’. The thing you remembered is that you’re triggered and you need some space.
Notice the sensations: the sweaty palms, racing heart and tight muscles. Then focus on unwinding them. Take some long steadying breaths, try to relax your tummy muscles, yawn to release tension in the jaw.
Come back to it when you’re ready. You could say, “sorry I can’t talk about this right now, can we come back to it later when I’m more prepared?”. Then make a plan of when to do so and how you can support yourself through it.
Get some help. If you’re both triggered in a conflict, a mediator can help. They can help you manage a trigger response in the moment and navigate ways through the conversation so that both parties can stay present, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Where the lemon metaphor breaks down is in longevity. A small cut tends to heal quickly but wounds deep enough to cause triggers can take much longer. They’re also difficult to heal on your own so, if/when you do want to address it, it’s best to get help or guidance from a therapist, mediator or other experienced, qualified or trusted person. if you’re local to Sheffield, MESH can help.
Lemon photo by Cristina Anne Costello on Unsplash; Juggling photo by SHVETS production on Pexels.
A note on trauma: C/PTSD can be utterly debilitating in the moment and is quite different to what is described here. It can be accompanied by flashbacks, intense distress, feeling on edge, unsafe and avoiding places, feelings or memories. If you think you’re experiencing C/PTSD, try to ask for help from your doctor, someone you trust, or find more information at Mind.
